ok, so...

Yeah, so I was supposed to post some things a while back ago. I have a lot to recap on.

Lately my life's been kinda cRaZy, but in a good way, not bad.

For the first time ever today I got to be a "Director", technically I was the floor director on set at Real Talk, a UNT NABJ production. Let me just say, I am THE WORST leader when it comes to almost anything. Any kind of formal title with "President of..." or "Director" scares the **** (let's just say "livin' daylights today! lol) out of me, and frankly I think I suck at leading, and always have, but mainly because I think i hold back a lot, and I'm unsure how I'd do and how capable I really may be.

But I don't want to say I always will be a terrible leader and here's why: God's purpose for my life. Apperantly he wants me to lead in some way that I know (at least right now in my life) that I am not ready for yet. Anytime I get 'placed' in a position of leadership by people who believe in me, I flunk. Bad.

Let me put it this way: Leading for me is like trying to convince an elefant that it has the strength to clobber a small mouse...but if the elefant's afraid of the mouse, it doesn't matter how strong or how capable he/she is--the elephant wouldn't clobber the mouse out of fear. Why? I don't know. Maybe because he'd realize how strong he really was--would it be to much for him to handle? I mean, actually being capable of stomping on another animal. Strong enough to pull a truck. Loud enough cry to blow one's ear out. What if he realized the strength he really had. It seems everyone around him can see that "look, you're an elephant" and "you have no reason to be afraid of a lil mouse" but if he can't see it, then it doesn't matter anyway because he will never accomplish the talk the longer he continues to shrink like a mouse on the inside.

As I waited for my bus to arrive tonight I was thinking about how pitiful and useless the wind would be if it couldn't even blow or move a leaf--then how would it ever cool off any human being? you know. maybe not. maybe even the breeze stuggles sometimes to move a rock, but the rock, though it may now move, shakes.