And another one!!...(bites the dust)

So, I'm thinking about going on a fast...

Now before you "freak out", it's really not "those types" of fasts. I'm not trying to starve myself skinny or anthing like that. In fact, it's a fast that I should definately pray about, and hopefully God will speak to me...

Basically I've just been contemplating some things lately, especially after talking with a friend of mine yesterday. As you know yesterday was Valentines Day or a.k.a. "Single Awareness Day" for me, or at least that's how it always seems. But this year was different...I had a date. Though not on Valentines Day, we went out the night before on Wendesday out to Chili's. He's a nice, respectible guy. Definately not like those statistics I hear about on Oprah about the number of Black men who are in jail, with kids, already married, etc...It excluding all of that, it really narrows down the options. And then also the fact that I want to be with someone who loves the Lord, and has a relationship with God, that REAAALLLY narrows it down to just a small minority. Which brings me to my next point.
well, He was not a statistic..he had really had a lot of good things goin for him. He works full time, and is a full time student, pays his own bills, smart, and has ambitions. After he gets his degree he wants to go back to his community and start a mentoring program for kids! I think that's so awesome. I was hanging on his every word at that point, wanting to know more...
Though he just turned 24 he was no kids, I was already impressed,, (sad, i know. but theses dayz...) and he doesn't really drink either, unlike those other loosers I settled for in the past who did. He also likes smart girls!! (you know I was just gleaming at this point! = ))(sigh). but then came the BIG question:
"So where do you go to church?"
He kind of had this lost look on his face. Oh no..here it comes...
"Mmm...i can't remember the last time I went to chruch."

Dope!

i just wanted to die. Why? why is it always like this for me? Like, why can't I just get a Christian man. And there I was, angry at God again.
There I was, thinking God had brought him to me because I had been prayin, and them all of a sudden he spilled the beans. I was soooo disappointed. i knew right then that the relationship wouldn't work, remembering what happened to me last time i disobeyed God. I went waaay further with that other dude (the last guy i was with) than i ever thought i would with anyone.
And here I am in the same situation with this dude, only he comes in an even better package than the last...though I wasn't initially attracted to him physically that much at first ( because I had pre-judged that he probably wasn't even my type upon seeing him, and I have to know people's personalities first before I can really be attracted for real. But he definately has no problems in that department: 6 foot tall,chocolate, bright white smile... = )

But yeah. so after talking with my friend Shawndra yesterday about him, I realized that this "one" wasn't right, as cRaZy as that may seem. According to the world's stanards, he would be a keeper. And I found out yesterday talking to Shaun, those were mine. I didn't realize that I had yet done it again. I had lowered my standards. (sigh). You see, I was more focused on what everybody else would think (friends in the world) who would say "you're crazy. Why did you break up with a perfectly good man just because he wasn't a Christian?" (By the way, when he asked me about my last relationship and why we parted, I told him it was because of our different beliefs, and he was shocked. When i say his eyes got big, I'm really serious. He just couldn't believe it. And I could just see the thoughts running through his mind at that moment..."wow, why would she do that?" But the problem is, he's not a Christian, so there is no way he could understand. And now, with counsel from some of my girlfiends who just happen to be in relationships by the way with Gods men (one married, one engaged to be), I realized that i shouldn't drag on this thing any further than it needs to be.
Thought others (and by "others", i mean the world0 would call me cRaZy and maybe even look down on me because of this decision, I choose to be happy with it. (notice i said "choose" because it's not like i really "feel" this way right now, but even as I write i'm beginining to be free and see the truth, and what I really neeed and that's Christ. Period.
i'm just praying that hopefully he could fill that area of my life where i feel like i need a man. I need to stop comparing myself to my friends ad how seemingly easy it was for them to find love, the right love i may add, and with a man after God's heart. That's what I want. And as hard as it is to wait, and though I may be single longer than everybody else, I'm jsut going to have to trust and believe in god on this one because obviously he's the only one who can make it happen. (Cuz clearly I can't! lol- i can laugh now...though I was crying about it last night.)

But, with all that said, I also wanted to add that I learned a little something this morning especially about faith. Shawndra gave me this verse in Romans 12 yesterday about not conforming to the world, etc... but then this morning, I read about faith. I'm not sure what led me to that, but I was just thinking about that verse in Hebrews "without faith, it's impossible to please God."

Talking to Shaun yesterday, it made me realize that i'm probably not growing in my relationship with God as I should be, and as hard of a pill it was for me to swallow, maybe i'm not even as strong in the faith as i thought I was. i questioned this last night say, "Lord, i don't understand, i ahad wanted to please you. i felt like an idot thinking that you 'brought' this guy to me, and now I cannot even be with him? the one happiness i thought i finally found?" i questioned Him. But also reflected on what Shaun told me, which was that I should be going after him (God) with my whole heart and falling more in love with him, and not searching for it in some guy that i want him to send me.

So, back to the fast. Crying in the car on my way to work today, i realized that that's the type of relationship that i really want with God, which is to be truly close. Not distant and trying to live life on my own like i've been doing. And what's beautiful is that he even spoke to me and said that this is the purpose that i am even here, that is, to have relationship with him. And even if i was the only person on this earth, that it what he'd still desire to have with me. That would be my purpose. So that's how I want to live my life from now on. Just me and him. Me and God growing in relationship. i realize now that I have been neglecting this area of my life, and event pretending like it even existed.

This is getting really long, but I had to explain the full purpose of why I am doing what I'm doing what i'm doing. I'm going to fast because i want to grow more intimately in my relationship with God, and really get to know the love he has for me, and maybe then i will be able to share his goodness and share the gospel with others around me, and also love others more easily than i do now.
I know that some things only come by prayer and fasting (Jesus said), so that's what I want to do. Instead of fasting from something like real food, i'm just going to fast from anything sweet. I'm not sure for how long yet, i really need to pray about this...but there's a reason behind my madness. I say "fasting from anything sweet" because i'm fasting from that thing that i feel can gratify y present need. (Didn't know i was that deep, did you? lol!) But seriously, i use sweets to satisfy my current cravings at the moment for a quick fix, but then I always go back thirsting for me, and going for it even when i'm no longer "hungry" anymore--i just want that taste and satisfation. Sadly, that's how i feel i'm approaching this relationship issue now. I'm thirsting, thirsting, but instead of filling my hunger with what i really need (the fruits of the spirit, that "spring of living water" that can only come from Christ Jesus), i'm trying to fill it with a quick fix at the moment that makes me happy then, but them i always come back for more. And then i know i've gone to far when i start going back for more even when i'm no longer hungry, but just like the taste. As you can see, this fast is much deeper than it seems on the surface. It's spiritual, and i need to be feeding the spiritual side of me right now, but not only that--the most improtant reason as to why i'm doing this is to know God on that deeper level so that when things like this do come along--other dudes who are seemingly well-off according to the world--i can stand and know what's right from God's wisdom and hopefully he'll speak to me in those situations and I will hear him to know and make the right decision.

no words

no words for this

no way to describe this

Pain.

throwing a pity party in my stomach

tumbling, turning,

i lay my head down trying to stop the nausea

the merry-go-round continues

and images past by me.

Reflecting

through my hazy vision i re-read the text in my mind.

The letters on the two-inch screen, scrolling down though it all scrolling in my memory again,

and i make a full circle in my thoughts, again : how could she?

I would never do such a thing as this.

Questioning my motives,

Questioning my mind, and quizzing me through past times

recollecting on what didn't happen

on what she wishes had.

To her it did.







I'm keeping the poem short today. Today I had a fight with someone i considered my best friend of 15 years. I don't know now...

We got into an argument today while texting. She told me she planned on getting another tattoo, and I called myself laughing it off, and saying "lol, why you need another one. Didn't you just get one?" (or something like it, this is how I meant it, lightly). She took offence to it, and jumped on the defense for no reason asking me why? and I responded jokingly saying something like, "You know what they say, they can be addicting!", and I believe followed with an LOL, or the lol was before that. Anyway, she then asked why would I question her motives like its bad or something. I'm not sure were she got all this from. I think she was reading this through tinted shades, which brings me to my next point. At that point of the texting, I was in the dentist office, afterward, i went to the post office. After I was leaving the post office, things got heated, and she started getting heated it seemed, sending me long texts about it, etc. I didn't really think anything of it, and was just like "I didn't mean for it to offend you and i didn't mean it like that. But whatever." Then she asked "then what did you mean" still edging it on further. Now I'm thinkin "why is she getting so heated about this? What is really going on?"

So I responded with "I meant what I said, but not necessarily in the way you took it. Guess you'd have to hear it in context (paraphrased; i'll paste the actual conversation in a second.)" and "I think your reading too much emotion into the text." Then she was real mad and told me that that I was "staring at her boyfriend" on her birthday, basically trying to steal him from her. I was like WOA then. She blew this waaaay out of proportion. I kind of laughed at her abruptness with that text, as it was way out of left field and she seemed to be gettting hyped over nothing...well, really something as simple as asking, "why did you want another tattoo?" She clearly had some deep seeded issues that I knew nothing about...

at this point i'm thinking first, What? That's obserd! and them i'm laughing at her attempt to take a stab at me about something as crazy as that.

The whole time i'm thinkin, it's nothing. She'll get over it. Let me just stop talkin to her.

But she kept escalating it further, saying she knew I was trying to get at him an all this.

Then I remembered how insecure she was about having close female friends, and getting to close to females, and it all made since. Walking up to my apartment at this point i'm laughing and thinking Okaaaay. LOL.

Number 1, Her and Mike must have got in a fight or somethin', and she's taking it out on me. or

Number 2, she's really desperately worried about loosing him, or him cheating on her?

I'm not really sure what to think really, because she never really tells me how she is really feeling. It's always been this expectation that I should "magically" know what's really going on, but the truth is, I never do. It's always a guessing game, and then sometimes there's never really a closure, just an ending to a matter. Apparently she harbors things in her that she can't talk about with anyone, or at least not me. I'm sure she tells Mike as she's always seemed to trust guys she's barely met and known for only a few months over a lifelong friend and family. Understandable (sarcasm).

She's always put this trust in guys immediately after meeting them and having a small connection with them, telling them deep dark secrets and sharing her life like they will never ever hurt her, but sadly all of them have, except Mike...At least so far. And actually I don't think he would intentinally.

It's always been this emotional rollercoaster with her, and i've put up with the ups and downs. Trying to be a supportive friend.

It's seemed she's been badly burned by other females in the past, and a lot between her and guys. If I have (burned her) I wouldn't even know, because she'd never tell me.

I never considered myself a threat to her and her relationships with guys.

I've always stayed away from that, until now that she's lashed it upon me.



I've always considered guys in relationships off limits. Instead of thinking *lightbulb*: hey, OPPORTUNITY!, I think BUMMER, and move on. Even guys i've known before they entered relationships and they did, I treat the same way. After the relational point, I distance myself from them out of respect for the girlfriend, who is a lot of times my friend too. Prime example: Vic and TC, Fred and Phylicia. I leave em alone. I tried hanging with them when they all got in relationships, but it got annoying because I had no one and it made me feel lonely everytime I was around them, so I quit hangin out with them. Doesn't mean I don't love or like them all, I just can't hang out with them the same as before. Same with my best friend and her man.

First off, I have no interest in the man she's dating. She ought to know by now my "type" and he is DEFINATELY NOT THE ONE. and I am in NO WAY ATTRACTED to him. Never was.

I was actually repulsed after reading the text. (lol, i can laugh now.) Sorry. Not that her man isn't attractive, but I just think he's just her type. Don't know of that came out right? lol. no, they aren't ugly. He ain't ugly, just not for me. they are good for each other.

Secondly, I'm surprised because not only have I not been in a relationship in like almost 5 years now, but I am not a flirt. And i battle everyday with patience and waiting for the one. I'm waiting for my man, I'm not going after him, although I would like to sometimes because i'm tired of waiting. But with that said, I'm definately not going after anyone, especially a man in relationship with a girl he deeply loves. I would never destroy the very thing i wish for myself someday.

When people find it, I choose to be happy for them. Even though I have every reason in the book to be jealous, bitter and frustrated. I am frustrated at times that i've been waiting so long and i'm still single while others jump from relationship to another, or have someone who loves them, or are engaged to be married, and I'm just left single. But i choose to rejoice with them as one day I hope they will with me. I feel like i've been patient, prudent, following God to my best abilities (still working on this, and always will), and praying a lot only to get nothing. But I keep hoping.



All I have is God's word, and I believe him when he says he will come. Just sometimes I get a little down about it, and I feel like there's something I must do, change, or work on because no guys find me intersting enough. I hate being this down on myself. I like feeling attractive, but most times I don't. Truth is, I beat myself up over the fact that I can't flirt like other girls, attract only jerks, never good guys (I'm still tryin to figure out why only guys who drink alcohol on the regular and party all the time, don't care about school, and are unambitious keep trying to get at me. THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what I'm praying for in my husband. Why am I getting these dudes? I don't know, but I don't like it. And I say no to it everday. A lot of times i work with them, and they try and flirt with me. I flirt back sometimes, (or try to; i'm really bad at it. Sometimes they just look at me like 'what?' but then just smile and laugh it off. i suck at it. bad.))

Anyway, I feel like if you'd have someone to be worried about, it wouldn't be me because i'm not that confident chick that guys like and want to be with. I'm just so far off the radar screen of attraction for black guys especially (the ones my age). I'm just not their type. I'd like to marry a black man, but if I don't I don't care. It really doesn't matter to me, just as long as he has those qualities I pray for...



She told me that her man, that I believe she will mary inadvertently and unconvetionally had the qualities she had prayed for. At least now he found her. Why would I want to ruin something like that for my best friend after knowing all the hell she's been through with those other dudes, or jerks? I am truly happy for her. Unfortunately she doesn't think the same.

She thinks I would be coniving enough to try and "steal" him from her, and the worst part about it is that this has been going on for a long while behind my back, and i didn't even know. I thought she knew me better than this.

For her to accuse me of something like that makes me think she doesn't even know me at all.

At all.

Everything's always got to be about her and how she feels at the moment. Where she is on the rollercoaster, including on my birthday when we were forced to leave the fair early because she "just wanted to go home" and would really tell me why. Something was bothering her, and apperantly she couldn't tell me what it was. I found out the next day or so. But it was stupid. why couldn't she tell me that night so I knew what was going on, and that you weren't trying to ruin the fun on my birthday. I wasted my time and emotions worrying about her, and didn't even go to the afterparty like me and my other friend had wanted to originally. Fortunately, despite her selfishness and attitude (like you couldn't put it aside for a few hours? once i found out what was bothering her, what she did seemed like such an overreaction, but that's just my oppinion. It's for her decide not me. But i bet it was on top of another deep seeded issue...I'm just saying in light of things today...) me and my other friend still had fun.



This right here, what happened today, let's me know who's priority in her life. She said her boyfriend called me "foul" because I had "stared at him." I'm not sure if she accused him of something, and he was defending himself or what, but he said (according to her) "your friend is foul" because he thinks I was trying to get at him. How conceited is that! I'm not even attracted to him. Why would he say such a thing when he doesn't even know me?

And the saddest part about this who fiasco is that she believed him!! over me. Like always.

The man's word is supreme. The man can be trusted. Females are evil, backstabbing, caddy,ect...always? I think not. She ought to know me better than that. I'm not like those other females. I'm me!



It's funny because I belived God gave me the ministry he did (to care about women) because of things like this. To let them know that not all females aren't trustworthy, and that we really can be for each other and encouraging one another and not tearing each other down.



i knew of this insecurity she had, like many others (hey, I have some to), so I always tried to be extra sensitive to it. I would try so hard to not offend her with what i say, and avoid a situation like this by watching what i do...but the matter is, she's going to see what she wants to see no matter what i do. She wants to believe all females act caddy and try to steal each other's men.
Now this false accusal of me will be her prime example for her justification of believing this about all women: her best friend tried to still the one man she wanted to marry.
Not true.

I’ve only believed the best for her, and have tried to be the one to show her that not all females are evil, and some can in fact be trusted.
I can be trusted.
She’s claiming not only her boyfriend saw me “staring at him” but she did, and even her mom?
So I’m like, ok, when were you all going to tell me this? Not everyone has bad intentions. I don’t even remember staring at him. But I can tell you that if I did, it was non-intentional, and I am definitely not into him.
With her bringing up others into this, it made me question how many others may think this about me. I’m going to ask my roommate tomorrow if she’s ever felt “threatened” by me, or thought that I tried to steal Fred away from her. I haven’t. That man is clearly in love with her. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. And I definitely don’t want to, I want someone better for me--the one God has saved up for me. Period.

This really hurt because it was kept from me for so long, and also my best friend questioned my character in this when she should know me better. So this has me thinking, how many others think the same about me? I don’t want to be this person she’s made me out to be. And even if I did stare at him, I’m telling you, it wasn’t on purpose. I don’t have no purpose for that. This is really disappointing. I felt betrayed and started crying that someone would think such evil things about me when all I’ve tried to do is disprove that horrible stereo type of females. Then, I started blaming myself and thinking, well, if I had been in a relationship, this wouldn’t have happened and I’d have a real defense.
But I don’t. My only defense if the truth, and my heart. That’s all. I’ve prayed about this a little, too, and decided that I need to forgive her after I get over the initial shock.

Christmas Day

Yea tho it's been a while....
naw, i'm just playin. But yeah, it's been a hot min since i've written anything. Later on this week i'm going to write my new year's conclusion and also my goals for the new year and life in general.
Things have been wonderful so far today. I got a new digital camera!!! I'm very excited about that. Now i'm going to be uploading pics and posting videos like crazy...
I also got some jewlry from my brother and dad, and some new clothes from my mom--much needed. And they liked their gifts too, so it was all worth it! Later at 7:20 we're going to see The Great Debaters mvie wit Denzel and Forrest Whitaker...It was sold out when we got to the theater. My mom and I were just shocked at how many white folks came out to see it, but then again wer thought about Oprah, and then iy all made sense (She endorsed this movie).. We were supposed to see the 4:55 show, but
there were only 3 seats left, and 4 of us. Other people were turning away angry; whole families leaving...yeah, so we're leaving at like 6:30 to get good seats.
But anyways, i'm looking forward to the new year. Things have been some what of a strugglw lately with me workin and stuff. I came out with the 3.5 i wanted by the end of this semester, thanks be to God cuz Lord knows I couldn't have done that on my own with all lifes cRaZiNeSs.
Speakin of cRaZy, I have no idea how next semester, or next summer's going to turn out for me. I have, well had plans, but it seems others' plans are overriding mine. So basically the things I want to do, i may not be able to. Like Plan #1: This summer I'm going to work at KAA the first half as a counselor, then got to Salamanca, Spain the second.
Not only do I not have my application for KAA in yet, I have yet to complete it along with finding people to recomend me, and as for Spain...well, my roommate may be getting married exactly 1 week before I would be back, and when I talked to one of the study abroad corrdinators, she said I wasn't able to leave early or make arrangements. Not to mention others who have been newly engaged who will probably be getting married over the summer...
Plan #2: I'm going to Phili on a missions trip during spring break.
Now today my Dad said to leave Spring break open so that we could go to New Orleans to visit my grandpa. I really want to go to N.O. so bad to see him because not only have i not been in almost 2 years now, but I really want to see grandpa because I'm not sure how many years i'll have left with him. ...but then again I've been talkin bout Phili with Ebony since this past summer when it was first brought up, and I love inner city missions and I want to help the kids. I'M TORN
spain?? or my best friend's wedding?
Phili missions?? or N.O. with my grandpa?
and what about KAA? What if something comes up and i can't hold to my committment if they except me as a counselor?
(sigh.)