And another one!!...(bites the dust)

So, I'm thinking about going on a fast...

Now before you "freak out", it's really not "those types" of fasts. I'm not trying to starve myself skinny or anthing like that. In fact, it's a fast that I should definately pray about, and hopefully God will speak to me...

Basically I've just been contemplating some things lately, especially after talking with a friend of mine yesterday. As you know yesterday was Valentines Day or a.k.a. "Single Awareness Day" for me, or at least that's how it always seems. But this year was different...I had a date. Though not on Valentines Day, we went out the night before on Wendesday out to Chili's. He's a nice, respectible guy. Definately not like those statistics I hear about on Oprah about the number of Black men who are in jail, with kids, already married, etc...It excluding all of that, it really narrows down the options. And then also the fact that I want to be with someone who loves the Lord, and has a relationship with God, that REAAALLLY narrows it down to just a small minority. Which brings me to my next point.
well, He was not a statistic..he had really had a lot of good things goin for him. He works full time, and is a full time student, pays his own bills, smart, and has ambitions. After he gets his degree he wants to go back to his community and start a mentoring program for kids! I think that's so awesome. I was hanging on his every word at that point, wanting to know more...
Though he just turned 24 he was no kids, I was already impressed,, (sad, i know. but theses dayz...) and he doesn't really drink either, unlike those other loosers I settled for in the past who did. He also likes smart girls!! (you know I was just gleaming at this point! = ))(sigh). but then came the BIG question:
"So where do you go to church?"
He kind of had this lost look on his face. Oh no..here it comes...
"Mmm...i can't remember the last time I went to chruch."

Dope!

i just wanted to die. Why? why is it always like this for me? Like, why can't I just get a Christian man. And there I was, angry at God again.
There I was, thinking God had brought him to me because I had been prayin, and them all of a sudden he spilled the beans. I was soooo disappointed. i knew right then that the relationship wouldn't work, remembering what happened to me last time i disobeyed God. I went waaay further with that other dude (the last guy i was with) than i ever thought i would with anyone.
And here I am in the same situation with this dude, only he comes in an even better package than the last...though I wasn't initially attracted to him physically that much at first ( because I had pre-judged that he probably wasn't even my type upon seeing him, and I have to know people's personalities first before I can really be attracted for real. But he definately has no problems in that department: 6 foot tall,chocolate, bright white smile... = )

But yeah. so after talking with my friend Shawndra yesterday about him, I realized that this "one" wasn't right, as cRaZy as that may seem. According to the world's stanards, he would be a keeper. And I found out yesterday talking to Shaun, those were mine. I didn't realize that I had yet done it again. I had lowered my standards. (sigh). You see, I was more focused on what everybody else would think (friends in the world) who would say "you're crazy. Why did you break up with a perfectly good man just because he wasn't a Christian?" (By the way, when he asked me about my last relationship and why we parted, I told him it was because of our different beliefs, and he was shocked. When i say his eyes got big, I'm really serious. He just couldn't believe it. And I could just see the thoughts running through his mind at that moment..."wow, why would she do that?" But the problem is, he's not a Christian, so there is no way he could understand. And now, with counsel from some of my girlfiends who just happen to be in relationships by the way with Gods men (one married, one engaged to be), I realized that i shouldn't drag on this thing any further than it needs to be.
Thought others (and by "others", i mean the world0 would call me cRaZy and maybe even look down on me because of this decision, I choose to be happy with it. (notice i said "choose" because it's not like i really "feel" this way right now, but even as I write i'm beginining to be free and see the truth, and what I really neeed and that's Christ. Period.
i'm just praying that hopefully he could fill that area of my life where i feel like i need a man. I need to stop comparing myself to my friends ad how seemingly easy it was for them to find love, the right love i may add, and with a man after God's heart. That's what I want. And as hard as it is to wait, and though I may be single longer than everybody else, I'm jsut going to have to trust and believe in god on this one because obviously he's the only one who can make it happen. (Cuz clearly I can't! lol- i can laugh now...though I was crying about it last night.)

But, with all that said, I also wanted to add that I learned a little something this morning especially about faith. Shawndra gave me this verse in Romans 12 yesterday about not conforming to the world, etc... but then this morning, I read about faith. I'm not sure what led me to that, but I was just thinking about that verse in Hebrews "without faith, it's impossible to please God."

Talking to Shaun yesterday, it made me realize that i'm probably not growing in my relationship with God as I should be, and as hard of a pill it was for me to swallow, maybe i'm not even as strong in the faith as i thought I was. i questioned this last night say, "Lord, i don't understand, i ahad wanted to please you. i felt like an idot thinking that you 'brought' this guy to me, and now I cannot even be with him? the one happiness i thought i finally found?" i questioned Him. But also reflected on what Shaun told me, which was that I should be going after him (God) with my whole heart and falling more in love with him, and not searching for it in some guy that i want him to send me.

So, back to the fast. Crying in the car on my way to work today, i realized that that's the type of relationship that i really want with God, which is to be truly close. Not distant and trying to live life on my own like i've been doing. And what's beautiful is that he even spoke to me and said that this is the purpose that i am even here, that is, to have relationship with him. And even if i was the only person on this earth, that it what he'd still desire to have with me. That would be my purpose. So that's how I want to live my life from now on. Just me and him. Me and God growing in relationship. i realize now that I have been neglecting this area of my life, and event pretending like it even existed.

This is getting really long, but I had to explain the full purpose of why I am doing what I'm doing what i'm doing. I'm going to fast because i want to grow more intimately in my relationship with God, and really get to know the love he has for me, and maybe then i will be able to share his goodness and share the gospel with others around me, and also love others more easily than i do now.
I know that some things only come by prayer and fasting (Jesus said), so that's what I want to do. Instead of fasting from something like real food, i'm just going to fast from anything sweet. I'm not sure for how long yet, i really need to pray about this...but there's a reason behind my madness. I say "fasting from anything sweet" because i'm fasting from that thing that i feel can gratify y present need. (Didn't know i was that deep, did you? lol!) But seriously, i use sweets to satisfy my current cravings at the moment for a quick fix, but then I always go back thirsting for me, and going for it even when i'm no longer "hungry" anymore--i just want that taste and satisfation. Sadly, that's how i feel i'm approaching this relationship issue now. I'm thirsting, thirsting, but instead of filling my hunger with what i really need (the fruits of the spirit, that "spring of living water" that can only come from Christ Jesus), i'm trying to fill it with a quick fix at the moment that makes me happy then, but them i always come back for more. And then i know i've gone to far when i start going back for more even when i'm no longer hungry, but just like the taste. As you can see, this fast is much deeper than it seems on the surface. It's spiritual, and i need to be feeding the spiritual side of me right now, but not only that--the most improtant reason as to why i'm doing this is to know God on that deeper level so that when things like this do come along--other dudes who are seemingly well-off according to the world--i can stand and know what's right from God's wisdom and hopefully he'll speak to me in those situations and I will hear him to know and make the right decision.