its the most wonderful time of the year!

It's the monst wonderful time of the year! with the kids jin-gle bel-ling and ev-ry-one tel-ling we'll be of good cheeeeer!!! I'm so excited about this holiday
Thousands of people flocked to the malls and department stores in search of the perfect gift for their family members, stressed about getting the right gift but perhaps excited about their own? who knows. Though this time may be stressful for some, I'm super excited about Christmas carols, lights and the celebration of Christ as King!
Found this radio station that plays Christmas carols 24-7. Whoohoo!

Just some random thoughts today

I’m really loving Blogger right now! It’s seems we could do just about anything... creativity-wise, you know.

<--This photo was taken in Lagos, Portugal. aBsoLuTeLy RaNdOm, I know!

Anyways, on a more serious note...

Lately I’ve been going through this phase. This phase were I just feel outside of myself. Not depressed necessarily. But just outside of myself, like I’m just letting life pass me by. Again, I promise I'm not depressed! lol

Just just that life's funny. Because now I realize that my life isn’t really about me. My life is in Christ and what he has done for me. Now I can't help but to want to live for Him, glorifying God the rest of my days. Doesn’t mean I can’t sin anymore. Like we were talking about in my small group today, our sinful nature is innate--something that we are born with. I realize that lately I have been pretty selfish.

And that, my friends, is a sin in itself.

God must always be at the center of our lives if we call ourselves “Christians.”

I want to write books, articles, design and all these wonderful things, but what for? Well now for the glory of God.

I was reading this article at SetApartGirl.com.

It was talking about coffee shop Christianity--what a concept. This defines what Christianity means and is for a lot of Americans today.

We’re comfortable. We go to church on Sundays. We start a Bible study. We’re in a small group. We serve at the church. And the list goes on…

We’re stuck, very comfortable where we are. Every so often we’ll go on a missions trip for a week to the inner city and feed the homeless, but then return snugly in our beds the next night back to the comfortable “norm.”

How many times have we really been stretched? When has life not been about my struggles, and my worries and my pain? When is it about others? When is it about Christ?

I’ve been somewhat outside of myself lately and unsure what to do. I beat myself up a lot about abilities that I don’t have, and how so many others better than I am, and ask myself, “will I ever be great at anything?”

To answer that question would be a disservice to the God that my mouth proclaims that I’m serving. In other words (I’m not quite sure if I’m making sense yet), it’s about making God great and not myself.

Not only does this take the stress away, at least at this moment, but requires that we lean on Christ because we can only be like Him through Him who gives us strength.

That’s it for today.

THIS IS cRaZy!

This is bananas!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/05/AR2008110504179.html



What are we coming to these days? If CNN is doing this now, then what's next?

Also, check this out: there's an Obama, Japan. It's a real city. Isn't that bizarre? Who would have thought that man with a white mother from Kansas and an African father from Kenya would have a name that could be a city in Japan?? Like, it's in Japanese language! lol crazy huh
The Obamaians want him to visit.

Here's the article about it on Reuters:
http://www.reuters.com/article/politicsNews/idUST8454820080305

WE DID IT!!!

It's official: BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
It's so crazy to think that a country which once fought a brutal civil war over slavery...
a country that once thought Blacks were nothing more than property...
that once did not teach African Americans how to read and write (perhaps out of fear, I don't know. Or perhaps that something quite like this--a Black man could be elected to the highest office of the United States, and could inspire many toward hope for the future)...
a country that once hosed my ancestors for marching down the street to vote...
To those who took beatings, lynchings
and endured ridicule so that I could vote,
And to those who could not live to see this day:
OUR votes are in.
America's votes are in.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I believe people have been waiting for a leader, some one to stand up and say "enough is enough" and that every person in America matters. Their vote matters. Their life matters. and Their hard work makes a difference.
Obama's inspiring words of hope surpass colors of all kind.
I am ecstatic to live in a country with people who are looking past differences and elevating what really matters at this time of economic crisis, war and confusion: UNITY.
We are, after all the UNITED States of America.

We need a country that can back the president, and a president willing to back America, ALL of America.

That is why I believe Barak Obama deserves this office, and why he is now the president of the United States of America.

Image is from: http://www.freshnessmag.com/v4/2008/03/12/obey-barack-obama-diy-paster/

Yes, i've voted!!

It's the best feeling to know that you've taken up the responsibilty of a citizen of the United States, and voted. Just knowing that so many died and risked their lives just so that I may have this right and responisbility...

What a weight lifted off my shoulders!

One thing i have to say, though, that disappointed me this year about the election is how difficult it was for me to find information about local candidates.
Yes, the president has one of the most powerful positions in the world and our vote does count there, but to see the local affects of their policies, you would need people similar to him or her on a local level. It's just so hard to find information about these people....

I had to dig and try and find a balanced source as someone not knowing anything about these peoples' track record, policies and beliefs along with their actions. I finally landed on the League of Women voters, which would seem to have a slant on womens issues, i thought, but in fact all they have done is asked 3 pertinant questions to the different candidates from the different parties running for a particular office, and dispayed their information on a pamplet for anyone to have access to. This is what I used to make my decision about the local officials.

If you have the same struggle I did, just know that I feel your pain! lol I would recomend the League of Women voter's pamphlet for a fair & &balanced view of all candidates running for the Senate, House of Representatives, and district judges, etc...

S.E.E. Retreat 08!

This is a fun thing I made with a few pics I took from the S.E.E. Retreat, it's "Seeing Everything Eveternally" through the lens of Gods's Word and as a believer in Christ.
The theme this year was "The Great Divide", talking about the sacred versus the secular areas in life. Sacred meaning God, and secular meaning everything but (and things displeasing to him.) Because like Crae said, God made everything good, but it's man's evil intent that makes things evil. It's actually a way I never thought before because, I just thought certain things were just plain evil. Take a skelaton--now, some scary movie may have just come to mind, or maybe even 'death' (esp. wit Halloween creepin up soon), but did you ever think the skelaton could be used for good? Like, if it were in a biology lab, it would be perfectly fine & probably considered 'good' because it's being used to study humans' anatomy in order to help cure people...
Yeah, so...some things in life are redeemable. This is really getting long, and too deep to get into, but if you wanna know more, holla.

Wat u know bout that 'SILVER 66'!!

Words: Watch what you say cause these saints stay packin, sixty-six bullets 'quiped with the ONE phantom, they aimed at me, and they aimed at you...so what you gonna do with these Biblical truths? so holla bk!

La alhambra

This is just something I'm experimenting with....

Portfolio!

Ok, I'm so excited! I recently found this site (thanks to Jaye magazine) that I would upload my files to create some sort of a booklet aka publish things online...kind of. Of course these things would have to be copywrited before hand so they aren't stolen! lol But I'm going to be posting some things to my profile soon.

Comming to an issuu near you:

-Scrapbook from Spain
-More clips and designs
-Poems!! (maybe...I want to get them copy writed first)
-Brand new & improved resume --for all you employers out there! lol

Below is just some samples, a portfolio from 2007 featuring some of my best clips. I hope to have better ones this year 08'.

Get your own - Open publication

Round 2

For the second time, my relatives have been forced out of New Orleans because of a storm. Luckily, though, this time it was only a category two hurricane instead of the predicted category 5 which would have made Gustavo Katrina's evil little cousin...

My relatives all made it out safe, thank God.

It just amazed bt the reaction this time around during a hurricane. It's sad that it took a Katrina for everything to get set straight for people that live in the gulf coast area. People were waaay more precautious this time. The sad part is that Katrina victims today are still paying for what FEMA, insurance companies, and President Bush failed to do the first time.

Corre de los Torros

These pics from the bull fight I saw in Plaze de Torros in Sevilla:

The matadors are soo proud. They walk with their chest held high, and the jewels from their espensive body suit sparkles and glistens in the blazing sun. They really take pride in what they do.

Hey! I'm Black and in America, too...

I just want to start off by thanking Soledad O'Brian and producers for their wonderful work on the Black in America special.

I feel like for the first time, Americans where finally able to see the diversity of Black people, and the different types of Black people in America, and not just one side--the stereotypical one we always see in movies and on the news.

The title of this post is a reaction. It's a reaction to some of the negative stereotypes out there that I have to deal with day to day being a Black person.

Exploring the behind the scenes footage of this production, I was surprised to find that the senior executive producer was a White man. Now this was interesting...
If your reading this right now, and wondering what the---? Then, you need to check out this video:


I'm just so happy that some media (and CNN!!) finally captured the middle-class Black Americans that people oustide our race hardly ever get to see. Or maybe they do see us in their neighborhoods or in their shopping centers, but choose to cling to a certain stereotype they see on TV about us instead of realizing that there are different Black people just like there are different groups of any other race. We're not the same.



But thanks to this documentary, perhaps people can realize that, "Hey! I'm Black and in America, too...just because i don't behave "Black" in certain areas doesn't mean i'm not. And what does behaving 'Black' really mean anyway? Why can't I just behave American?

Poor boy at Wakefield High...

This was an interesting, but terribly sad story I read today about a boy who came out as gay in the sixth grade, and continues to be ridiculed even now as he's 15 years old. I encourage you to read it; it really moved me.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/13/AR2008071302066.html


However, my jaw dropped after reading this statement made by the principle at his school that I read in the article:

Doris Jackson, the principal of Wakefield, said the
school does not tolerate bullying for any reason. "To me, it's more than having
a policy and enforcing it. It's establishing an environment of tolerance of
everyone," she said, adding that the school even provides a separate restroom
for a transgender student so the person is not forced to use the girl's room or
boy's room. "When we say we are very diverse, people think racially. But we are
diverse racially, culturally, [by] sexual orientation and socio-economic level.
Being gay here doesn't set you apart. You're just another kid with something
about you that is unique."

I was taken back by her mentioning a separate restroom for transgenders. My first thought was, "Woa, what if this didn't happen in just high schools across the nation, but in other public facilities as well? Will there be designated transgender restrooms?"

If so, what would they look like? (I dare not to go there...lol)


My second though was, "What in the world would a high school need with a separate restroom for transgendered CHILDREN?!" This means there must be some kids who are transgenered in that high school for her to even make a statement like that, and open up that can of worms.

Do the parents know about this?

AND

Doesn't that open up room for that kid to be ridiculed if he or she is "transgenered"? Other kids will see them go into that restroom. Yeah, then they wouldn't have to choose (b/t men or women), but wouldn't that sort of outcast them?

Futbol!!

Yesterday was the begining of the World Cup finals for Europe. Fortunately, i´m in Spain so I experienced the joy of victory from them yesterday night. People were literally yelling in the street, "España!!!" It was absolutely nuts...this was after 11 p.m. After Spain won in overtime, or as they say in a shoot out with Italy. I watched part of the game in an ice cream parlor along a main tourist strip after i was unsucessful in making it into Flehrty´s, another bar in which peoeple were packed in like sardeens. I couldn´t even see the TV, or breath for that matter so i left. Of course the ice cream parlor was nice & cool (I needed something cold from that heat kitchen, lol). I was waiting to meet someone to, but I actally ended up getting into the game, it was so intense. Every bar everywhere in the city that had a t.v. was packed. And the streets were packed afterward with people celebrating their victory.

cHiCa EsPaÑola

Hola!
Estoy en España-I realize that i have not written since i´ve been here. I will be heading on this Friday (back to the good ol "U-S of A")! I´ve loved this place since i´ve been here...many many differences. But different isn´t always bad. I have yet to upload all 800 of my photos still. As you see, this could take a while to organize...lol. Promise I will get on the ball as soon as i´m back. I just wanted to write at least one entry since í´ve been here....
Also, last weekend I went to one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Of course you would never believe me unless I uploaded these pics!
Theses are from Lagos, Portugal. The most relaxing three days i´ve experienced this year...

this Kid is nuts

I cannot believe this kid just bitch slapped his mom! This aired on Dr. Phil...it´s kind of funny, but bad at the same time. If I hit my momma like that, I would not be here today. Yeah, but I advise watching it without sound first

If you like random stupid things, then this is halarious!!

I'm so glad finals are over! Now i'm going to watch the Tyra show...

Yeah, just got my braces tightened the other day, too!

Like you care...

No sarcasm intended.

(Gotta read the fine print, baby.)

'dem mighty greenbacks dun struck back again

So...the financial aid department at my school is officially a HOT MESS! They're giving me a hard time--what's new? I've been trying to get aid for my study abroad trip for the longest, and the process just got longer. Yay! (: I) What I don't understand is how the FAFSA keeps insisting that my parents can contribute a certain amount that they really cannot. And I don't understand why I don't have any other options except scholarships or to make my parents accept a loan. If I don't want my parents to pay, then why can't I just opt out of this and get a loan in my name? It's my debt!


Anyways, I'm so excited about my trip to Spain! And it looks like I might also get to go on an excursion to Morocco--Woot Woot! So, I got the email about this trip from the study abroad people, read it... 'Cool', I said, but "where is it again?" Yeah, so I posted a map for people like me. It's ok to admit it, you don't really know everything! lol. Now that I know where it is, I'm definitely siked. I've always wanted to go to Africa!


Check out this pic:

So, this is a picture of a belly dancer in Morocco that I found off of their tourism website. Looks fun, but I'm not really sure what the guy in the background is doing...it just don't look right! lol
If they offer belly dancing classes there, I will be the first one on the list!

Student bogged down by the letters J-O-U-R

Its seems now that ever since I have chosen journalism as a major of focus, therefore having classes that force me to write, I feel paralyzed because I am now not writing out of enjoyment, but out of assignment.: to make the grade. To distinguish myself among a hodge podge of other aspiring writers whose talent far exceeds my own. I feel as though my writing has gotten so much worse. What ever happened to “’beautiful paper’, ‘excellent technique’, and ‘I can see you have a flare for writing?’” I’ve gotten to “journalistic”, but reading the New York Times articles daily gives me hope.

Now every time I approach a paper or an article, I feel this unrelenting pressure to “prove myself”. I try way too hard now. Because I am a “journalism major” I must write perfectly. As absurd as this must sound, it resounds truth about how I think of myself even now. I wish I could write freely once again, which almost makes me want to change my major, and just keep writing on the side as a hobby. I’m truly interested in people and different cultures of the world, and history. This is what I would like to study as well, if I were to attend grad school. It’s like one of my friends from high school told me, who was in marching band with me: He loved music so much, he wanted to study it at the University of North Texas, a top music school, but by the time he got to his second year, he was burnt out because he felt ‘they,’ the professors, were “taking the fun out of music” for him. He lost his zeal, and his sense of enjoyment for the art.

Now I’m not sure what he’s studying, but he definitely quit studying music. I feel like I would almost rather be an English major, or history, international studies, or something no longer having to do with journalism. I feel all this knowledge is getting to be a little bit too much for me, and I’m starting to feel the pressure to perform under this journalism umbrella. What is so wrong about pursuing what I would like to do, which is work in media? I would like a way to do this, write and work in the media, while studying something more of interest to me. Naturally I’m interested in learning about media because it’s what I want to do now, but I feel like it’s getting to be too much, and I want a taste of something different. It’s like trying to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches your whole life, or in my case, jelly sandwiches since I’m allergic to peanut butter!

As much as I may love my sandwiches, eventually I’m going to tire of them. Eventually, I’m going to have to eat something else to stay healthy, you know? Just a thought.
So I said all this to say: I am so looking forward to learning international relations and economics of the European Union when I go to study abroad. Don’t get me wrong, I will not stop writing, and I will not stop blogging and taking pictures and videos, but finally I can take a break from learning about what I liked to do so much already, and hearing about it every single day.

But can I do what I love, while learning something else?

Continued: I’m soo looking forward to finishing my international studies minor, taking anthropology, etc… and I can’t wait to be done with this journalism undergrad degree, and start interning, moving, and traveling (hopefully). If I do go to grad school, which I see now as a possibility, I want to study about people, literature, etc… a subject that is NOT communications or journalism. Maybe I can learn more about these things from experiences. I really want to do well on this paper about Jews in the American South! (I’m SUCH a nerd! Lol)

Invisible Children

Please watch this. This video dispays just a small portion of what I was talking about in my last post.

Fall Out Boy - I'm Like A Lawyer With The Way Always Trying

Today I was just sitting at home bored out my mind, and decided to listen to music on yahoo! I clicked on a video by Fall Out Boy. I was actually a little reluctant to watch it at first. The song was ok, but the video has like almost nothing to do with the song. Part of the story line with the young Ugandan children who got torn apart was cute, but the rest of the video was SO serious. I was like, "What is this?" Intrigued, I watched the rest of it, and was just beyond belief! I mean, the video was so impactful, with the story line displaying love juxedaposed with war and violence, and then finally at the end it said visit http://www.invisiblechildren.com , and I said, "Ok, why not? I'll check it out." I thought it was just another one of them save the children in Africa causes, and it was, but this one really touched my heart. We all know about the stereotypical violence, war and bloodshed along the ivory coast in Africa (which many refer to Africa like it's all one big AIDS fest of dying people...I'm not trying to be mean; I'm just being real because we always only see one side of "Africa" the stereotypical version, but believe it or not, people: It's actually made up of MANY different countries with MANY different tribes and cultures of people. Just thought I'd throw that out there before you stereotype this message, too, including the one i'm about to tell you about the "invisible children" in Uganda, a country in the continent of Africa. I love the name of this campaign because it's so true. These Ugandan children are invisible in our busy and hectic lives. They are accross the Atlantic. "Not our problem," we say. And true, in America we do have a plethera of problems to deal with in regards to our own youth, but these invisible children in Uganda never even had the opportunities and chances that kids in America have.

Now here is your chance to help: Buy a bracelet. It's only $20 for you, but that twenty dollars means a future for a child who had not choice to begin with. They didn't ask to be born into a sate of turmoil all around them. Please support their mission. That's all I have to say.

I just couldn't sit on this incredible cause after seeing just a snippet of the things on their site. It's an opportunity to make a difference. I don't want to forget about the invisible children because they are there. Except now they are no longer invisible, thanks to the guys who started this campaign, but are you choosing to ignore them now that they are seen?

Snow! Snow! Snow! Let it snow....

Let it Snow!!
Last Thursday, March 7, balls off white powder puffs showered from the sky above. The air, fresh and awry from the recent 60 degree weather that hit the Dallas Fort Worth area earlier in the week, was marvelous, even breathtaking! = ) I took a few pictures outside at my apartments.

Driving back up to Denton from Dallas, I was confused seeing cars cover in fresh white snow going South. Where are they coming from, and where the heck am I going?" I thought. It can't be...

Twenty minutes later I was siting in stop-and-go traffic along I-35. It took me almost 15 minutes to go about 100 feet finally exiting off the slushy roadway congested with cars desperately tryin to make it home. Later sitting at home wrapped in my navy blue blanket and sipping on not chocolate, I watched the reporter on television shivering in his socks outside at the corner at Teasley lane near the mall. "I was just there," I said shaking my head watching the rediculous traffic. But I wanted to go outside.

So i went took a few pictures. Once I coming back in I called my roomates to see where they were at. They were stranded on the bus trying to make it home. Took an hour after I was on the phone with them for the bus to make it to a place only 5 minutes a way. Texans and snow. They just can't drive in it! ...at least not in Dallas.

Later I heard laughing outside, so I peaked out the window. Lo and behold I saw a guy an about 6-foot tall fat white boy in his boxers. What?! That fool was about to jump in the pool...
"Are you serious?!" lol People are cRaZy. Others around started a snow fight. As one of my roommates and her finace finally made it in, stepping though the slush pilled at the foot of our door. Crazy right? I had never seem it snow like this in Texas, and I've lived here over 20 years! I have to admit though, it was nice. It saved me from shaming myself in from of my international PR class where I was scheduled to give a presentation at 2pm. I was soo not prepared for that presentation. I did pray about it. I guess the snow was God's way of saving my skin. Lol! Also, I got to relax, drink hot choclate and catch-up on much-needed sleep. = )

Defecit. Could this get any worse?!

From the Dallas Morning News (DallasNews.com):

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/bus/stories/031308dnbusbudget.49d21664.html

Federal deficit swells to $263.3B
03:56 PM CDT on Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Associated Press
WASHINGTON — The Treasury Department says the federal deficit swelled to $263.3 billion in the first five months of this budget year as record spending during the period outpaced record revenues.
The department’s latest snapshot of the government’s balance sheets, released Wednesday, shows that the deficit for the budget year that began Oct. 1 was up a whopping 62 percent from the red ink of $162.2 billion for the corresponding five-month period last year.

Barak Obama's Campaign For Change

Echoes of "Yes we can!" filled the auditorium at Fort Worth Convention Center on Thursday, Feb. 28 as presidential hopeful Barak Obama was scheduled to take center stage. Obama, a democratic nominee for president in 2008, came to Fort Worth to speak about his campiaign for change, and gave a speech of hope for thousands of American dreamers.
The crowd consisted of people from all walks of life, and all ready for something new. Currently as the only African-American in the U.S. Senate, Obama decided to run for president in the 2008 election with only a few terms of experience as a senator under his belt against political giant Hilary Clinton, New York senator and former first lady who had spent eight years in the White house. She's married to a former president, Bill Clinton who many regrarded as a great president, especially democrats . Despite his love scandal and near impeachment as a president, many believe that Clinton was still able to bring the United States to financial prosperity.

However, now his wife is in the hot seat. Can she do the same? Or can she do even better? Only time will tell. But at around 8:15 pm, Barak Obama took the stage at the Convenstion Center in front of thousands delivering his plans for the country.

Though the odds seem to be against his favor: him being Black, him having the least experienced of all the other candidates both democratic and republican, and people afraid of him being assassinated or not really sure if he could really deliver what he is saying, people still listen to him. He literally feeds off of the American people as he mentioned in his speech on Thursday. At one point as the crowd began to resound "Yes we can! Yes we can," in unison once again, he lifted the microphone to let it echo so that the American people (perhaps those who would be watching the 10 o'clock news later that evening) could hear how people are behind him. I believe this is what makes him a strong candidate. It's not necessarily because of his credintials or because he's the most experienced and he's had large significant results in the past for what he's done (if so, the media isn't reporting much on these things).

It's his ability to inspire people and stand up for real change and things a bit out of the ordinary for typical American politics. The fact that he may be able to rally an entire country behind him may be the very thing that allows him to be an effective president. Not only that, but also his determination to keep going and spur on despite threats, odds, and what the media says. And that's change we can believe in.

God culture

Today I was reading a note a friend of mine wrote on facebook about how 11 a.m. Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week.I agreed that unfortunately this is the case. This is one part of the church that has always made me uncomfortable. Because when I read God's word about ONE body and ONE spirit and about how as a people God has reconciled himself to US, and then I see "US" split up in different groups segregated by our differences, our backgrounds and neighborhoods, it grieves me.

I've always believed in diversity and how God called us as a holy people to be set apart. It's hard enough these days to truly live a Christian life (not half-steppin) and not being ridiculed, being seen as narrowminded, and being accused of "judging" others. I think people just can't handle the truth because when someone speaks the Word of God, those words hold endless truth and life and shine light on the flaws that the person who hears them had been trying to hide. They look at the person speaking and think that they are judging them, but the fact of the matter is: they're already condemned (read John 3: 18-21, and it would hurt to go ahead and read John 3: 16 & 17 before it, just to put it in better context for you.) Hey, God says it better than I can (check it out):

19"This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

John 3: 19-21

I'm going deeper into a subject that I could talk about literally for hours and hours, but the important things is what I spoke of in the beginning. UNITY. I feel like this is part of my life's purpose. I'm passionate about it. I'm passionate about bringing together Christian women from all over the world and that we can meet together with the commonality that Jesus Christs blood allowed us to be children of God. Period. I would definitely like to see this subject put out there more often.

And i feel like we, the people in the body of Christ, sometimes need to get over ourselves, our fears and our insecurities and come together under the LOVE of Christ. And yes, this would mean coming out of our "comfort zones", but ultimately, how does a comfort zone pale in comparison to growing stronger together in Christ and spurring each other on to have a stronger relationship with God.

Diversity

As African Americans I feel like we're constantly having to defend ourselves with the images that the media puts out on us, but I think if we just stand up, hold out ground and acknowledge that yes, some of our people have made mistakes, and though we have been oppressed for the longest, we can still stand up, hold our heads high, acknowledge our wonderful heritage and embrace it.

I wanted to post this video from an event hosted by UNT-NABJ called "And the Beat Goes On" that took place February 20. This day was not only the day that Barack Obama came into Dallas and spoke at the reunion arena (of which i could not make because I was at my internship =( but I watched it live online with no sound--yeah, I forgot my headphones, lol), but we (NABJ) also hosted this Black History event that reflected the different time period and highlighted the decades and how African Americans have evolved as a people. Check out this video...



Also, some thing I found on the YBJ Listserve: If Barak Obama receives the presidential nomination and wins, he may not be the only Black president this country has seen. Really! Read this article from DiversityInc.com there have been plenty of others who have had drops of African American ancestry in their blood...

http://www.diversityinc.com/public/3085.cfm

I believe that Obama, whether he receives the Democratic nomination or not, is that change that we need to see, and the progress that will give other in the Black community hope, and that they can be somebody. And not just African Americans, but other races as well who have been oppressed and struggling to make a life for themselves.

just pics

Just wanted to upload a couple of pics from life lately that i kinda like...

I will definately be uploading more, and i really have a lot to talk about, but obviously its kinda late and i gotta be up for a brand new day in seven hours, so i'll be bk a little bit later to write about stuff. But yeah, i'm definately going to be taking a lot more pictures of different events, start uploading the the pics and writing about them like a story. This is just to get some experience/exposure, and also to keep me writing! i'll keep ya posted. Goodnight! = )

And another one!!...(bites the dust)

So, I'm thinking about going on a fast...

Now before you "freak out", it's really not "those types" of fasts. I'm not trying to starve myself skinny or anthing like that. In fact, it's a fast that I should definately pray about, and hopefully God will speak to me...

Basically I've just been contemplating some things lately, especially after talking with a friend of mine yesterday. As you know yesterday was Valentines Day or a.k.a. "Single Awareness Day" for me, or at least that's how it always seems. But this year was different...I had a date. Though not on Valentines Day, we went out the night before on Wendesday out to Chili's. He's a nice, respectible guy. Definately not like those statistics I hear about on Oprah about the number of Black men who are in jail, with kids, already married, etc...It excluding all of that, it really narrows down the options. And then also the fact that I want to be with someone who loves the Lord, and has a relationship with God, that REAAALLLY narrows it down to just a small minority. Which brings me to my next point.
well, He was not a statistic..he had really had a lot of good things goin for him. He works full time, and is a full time student, pays his own bills, smart, and has ambitions. After he gets his degree he wants to go back to his community and start a mentoring program for kids! I think that's so awesome. I was hanging on his every word at that point, wanting to know more...
Though he just turned 24 he was no kids, I was already impressed,, (sad, i know. but theses dayz...) and he doesn't really drink either, unlike those other loosers I settled for in the past who did. He also likes smart girls!! (you know I was just gleaming at this point! = ))(sigh). but then came the BIG question:
"So where do you go to church?"
He kind of had this lost look on his face. Oh no..here it comes...
"Mmm...i can't remember the last time I went to chruch."

Dope!

i just wanted to die. Why? why is it always like this for me? Like, why can't I just get a Christian man. And there I was, angry at God again.
There I was, thinking God had brought him to me because I had been prayin, and them all of a sudden he spilled the beans. I was soooo disappointed. i knew right then that the relationship wouldn't work, remembering what happened to me last time i disobeyed God. I went waaay further with that other dude (the last guy i was with) than i ever thought i would with anyone.
And here I am in the same situation with this dude, only he comes in an even better package than the last...though I wasn't initially attracted to him physically that much at first ( because I had pre-judged that he probably wasn't even my type upon seeing him, and I have to know people's personalities first before I can really be attracted for real. But he definately has no problems in that department: 6 foot tall,chocolate, bright white smile... = )

But yeah. so after talking with my friend Shawndra yesterday about him, I realized that this "one" wasn't right, as cRaZy as that may seem. According to the world's stanards, he would be a keeper. And I found out yesterday talking to Shaun, those were mine. I didn't realize that I had yet done it again. I had lowered my standards. (sigh). You see, I was more focused on what everybody else would think (friends in the world) who would say "you're crazy. Why did you break up with a perfectly good man just because he wasn't a Christian?" (By the way, when he asked me about my last relationship and why we parted, I told him it was because of our different beliefs, and he was shocked. When i say his eyes got big, I'm really serious. He just couldn't believe it. And I could just see the thoughts running through his mind at that moment..."wow, why would she do that?" But the problem is, he's not a Christian, so there is no way he could understand. And now, with counsel from some of my girlfiends who just happen to be in relationships by the way with Gods men (one married, one engaged to be), I realized that i shouldn't drag on this thing any further than it needs to be.
Thought others (and by "others", i mean the world0 would call me cRaZy and maybe even look down on me because of this decision, I choose to be happy with it. (notice i said "choose" because it's not like i really "feel" this way right now, but even as I write i'm beginining to be free and see the truth, and what I really neeed and that's Christ. Period.
i'm just praying that hopefully he could fill that area of my life where i feel like i need a man. I need to stop comparing myself to my friends ad how seemingly easy it was for them to find love, the right love i may add, and with a man after God's heart. That's what I want. And as hard as it is to wait, and though I may be single longer than everybody else, I'm jsut going to have to trust and believe in god on this one because obviously he's the only one who can make it happen. (Cuz clearly I can't! lol- i can laugh now...though I was crying about it last night.)

But, with all that said, I also wanted to add that I learned a little something this morning especially about faith. Shawndra gave me this verse in Romans 12 yesterday about not conforming to the world, etc... but then this morning, I read about faith. I'm not sure what led me to that, but I was just thinking about that verse in Hebrews "without faith, it's impossible to please God."

Talking to Shaun yesterday, it made me realize that i'm probably not growing in my relationship with God as I should be, and as hard of a pill it was for me to swallow, maybe i'm not even as strong in the faith as i thought I was. i questioned this last night say, "Lord, i don't understand, i ahad wanted to please you. i felt like an idot thinking that you 'brought' this guy to me, and now I cannot even be with him? the one happiness i thought i finally found?" i questioned Him. But also reflected on what Shaun told me, which was that I should be going after him (God) with my whole heart and falling more in love with him, and not searching for it in some guy that i want him to send me.

So, back to the fast. Crying in the car on my way to work today, i realized that that's the type of relationship that i really want with God, which is to be truly close. Not distant and trying to live life on my own like i've been doing. And what's beautiful is that he even spoke to me and said that this is the purpose that i am even here, that is, to have relationship with him. And even if i was the only person on this earth, that it what he'd still desire to have with me. That would be my purpose. So that's how I want to live my life from now on. Just me and him. Me and God growing in relationship. i realize now that I have been neglecting this area of my life, and event pretending like it even existed.

This is getting really long, but I had to explain the full purpose of why I am doing what I'm doing what i'm doing. I'm going to fast because i want to grow more intimately in my relationship with God, and really get to know the love he has for me, and maybe then i will be able to share his goodness and share the gospel with others around me, and also love others more easily than i do now.
I know that some things only come by prayer and fasting (Jesus said), so that's what I want to do. Instead of fasting from something like real food, i'm just going to fast from anything sweet. I'm not sure for how long yet, i really need to pray about this...but there's a reason behind my madness. I say "fasting from anything sweet" because i'm fasting from that thing that i feel can gratify y present need. (Didn't know i was that deep, did you? lol!) But seriously, i use sweets to satisfy my current cravings at the moment for a quick fix, but then I always go back thirsting for me, and going for it even when i'm no longer "hungry" anymore--i just want that taste and satisfation. Sadly, that's how i feel i'm approaching this relationship issue now. I'm thirsting, thirsting, but instead of filling my hunger with what i really need (the fruits of the spirit, that "spring of living water" that can only come from Christ Jesus), i'm trying to fill it with a quick fix at the moment that makes me happy then, but them i always come back for more. And then i know i've gone to far when i start going back for more even when i'm no longer hungry, but just like the taste. As you can see, this fast is much deeper than it seems on the surface. It's spiritual, and i need to be feeding the spiritual side of me right now, but not only that--the most improtant reason as to why i'm doing this is to know God on that deeper level so that when things like this do come along--other dudes who are seemingly well-off according to the world--i can stand and know what's right from God's wisdom and hopefully he'll speak to me in those situations and I will hear him to know and make the right decision.

ok, so...

Yeah, so I was supposed to post some things a while back ago. I have a lot to recap on.

Lately my life's been kinda cRaZy, but in a good way, not bad.

For the first time ever today I got to be a "Director", technically I was the floor director on set at Real Talk, a UNT NABJ production. Let me just say, I am THE WORST leader when it comes to almost anything. Any kind of formal title with "President of..." or "Director" scares the **** (let's just say "livin' daylights today! lol) out of me, and frankly I think I suck at leading, and always have, but mainly because I think i hold back a lot, and I'm unsure how I'd do and how capable I really may be.

But I don't want to say I always will be a terrible leader and here's why: God's purpose for my life. Apperantly he wants me to lead in some way that I know (at least right now in my life) that I am not ready for yet. Anytime I get 'placed' in a position of leadership by people who believe in me, I flunk. Bad.

Let me put it this way: Leading for me is like trying to convince an elefant that it has the strength to clobber a small mouse...but if the elefant's afraid of the mouse, it doesn't matter how strong or how capable he/she is--the elephant wouldn't clobber the mouse out of fear. Why? I don't know. Maybe because he'd realize how strong he really was--would it be to much for him to handle? I mean, actually being capable of stomping on another animal. Strong enough to pull a truck. Loud enough cry to blow one's ear out. What if he realized the strength he really had. It seems everyone around him can see that "look, you're an elephant" and "you have no reason to be afraid of a lil mouse" but if he can't see it, then it doesn't matter anyway because he will never accomplish the talk the longer he continues to shrink like a mouse on the inside.

As I waited for my bus to arrive tonight I was thinking about how pitiful and useless the wind would be if it couldn't even blow or move a leaf--then how would it ever cool off any human being? you know. maybe not. maybe even the breeze stuggles sometimes to move a rock, but the rock, though it may now move, shakes.

A lot to say

There's a lot to say about this video, but i'll let it speak for itself...and yes, i realize that the quality of the picture is not necessarily the best, but the content, i think, is what makes it worth watching. i'll shut up about it for now if you just press play (lol.)-yeah, i'm kind of in a sassier mood than normal today.

Zeta Probate

New Music!!

I'm so siked! I just discovered this new magazine called Gospel Link mag that's based out of the UK!!! I am so krunk about it! I was gonna subscribe, except it was so expensive. lol ...maybe later. But i'm so crunk about it cuz it's like there's just a whole other world out there.
I found out about it on Da Truth's myspace page going there to just listen to music, next thing I know i found out about this mag we was featured in..thought it was pretty cool it was in the UK. Then I went to the mag website and discovered all these other artists. One of them

I never thought there was this much good gospel music out there!!! I'm am so crunk about it beacause the only gospel rap artists I really respected were lyk Crae, Tedashii, Trip, Sho, Flame, Ambassador, and Da Truth. Also Json and JR, even though JR's R&B, of course i can't forget IZZY. Yup, that's about it. I'm not like a HUGE fanatic about gospel rap but the music just keeps getting better and I have a lot of respect for theses guys. And not just about what they say on stage, but what they do in life--that's the real center stage. I just got respect for them, at least for the one's I met and know.

Now I discovered this new artist (new to me) named Jahaziel from London. Checked out his myspace page, listened to his music...ilike. = )

I want to be....

I want to be confident

I want to be beautiful

I want to be a poised and tenacious me

I struggle to come out of a cacoon spun so tightly,

but the harder the struggle to come out,

the more beautiful my wings will be.

One day i'll face these challenges

head on in the playing field hit by hit,
a blow here
there,
but I'm never to be beat.

Never to retreat, i'm running this marathon and i will never cease
never to stop my feet, until
that day comes when only his face I will see,
until
like Paul i can run the race ahead of me, and press forward while pushing my past behind me
blurrs and blurrs of green leaves on trees they become as i speedily continue on this race...

I want to be

I want to be

I want to be
just as He made me.

jus keepin it short today = )

note to friend

Today I wrote a note to someone I used to be aquainted with in while in HS. She's actually 2 years older than me, but anyways, she used to go to my church. I saw her profile picture on facebook today and I was shocked. I normally just breeze past things like that, and actually, i had seem her profile pic before just thinking she had slipped back into life without Christ. However her status comment allowed me to think differently...she said :"A woman's heart must be so hidden in Christ that a man must seek the Lord to find it." I thought it was profound. Then looking at her religious status I saw that she was a proclaimed Christian, but before reading her profile, I would have thought she was different based on her profile picture. I was little confused, but more so concerned. I really believe in living out what you proclaim yourself to be. If I proclaimed myself Jewish, I would need to live that way. Aside from religion, if I proclaimed myself "a generous person" I should have evidence to back it up, or else i'm lying, right? Same thing with saying you're a Christian. So, I'm not sure if I went about it the right way, but I sent her a message because I felt compelled to. I wasn't tryin to be overly righteous or holier than thou, because I am not. I'm just not. God's standard was perfection and I already failed that test, and that's why I need Christ. But today I wanted to encourage her to think in the other direction, and I tried to tell her that her picture was suggestive in love. If i did not love her, i wouldn't have told her and left her to get hurt....I have a responsibility to my fellow Christian to tell them the truth as God sees. I just have to make sure I see as he sees.

On a normal day, I wouldn't have felt compelled to do so, but for some reason today, and even the other day at Starbucks meeting this girl who was a proclaimed stripper. She even asked me if i listened to Merilin Manson. I said no, but we talked a while. I will pray for her heart to see God, but at the moment all I could do was love. Not because of me, but because of Him.

Here it is below (the note to a friend):

Hey Shelly*! I really liked your the quote on your status:"A woman's heart must be so hidden in Christ that a man must seek the Lord to find it."
I definately agree with you on this statement, but I got a different message after looking at your profile picture...I'm sorry you may not like what you're about to read, but as your sis in Christ I felt I had to tell you this out of love: I feel like the picture on your profile is really suggesting something opposite of what your saying. I'm definately not perfect, and I stuggle with things. i'm not trying to bring you down by any means. However, to me the pic suggests that your seductive, and you are more after a man's heart than God's. I'm no expert, but you'll probably attract many guys who's hearts are no where near God, just because they're attracted to you physically.I'll just end this this:
10A wife of noble character who can find?She is worth far more than rubies.
11Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. Love ya.
-Randi

Thats all for today.

**name changed to conceal identity. She knows who she is. = )

no words

no words for this

no way to describe this

Pain.

throwing a pity party in my stomach

tumbling, turning,

i lay my head down trying to stop the nausea

the merry-go-round continues

and images past by me.

Reflecting

through my hazy vision i re-read the text in my mind.

The letters on the two-inch screen, scrolling down though it all scrolling in my memory again,

and i make a full circle in my thoughts, again : how could she?

I would never do such a thing as this.

Questioning my motives,

Questioning my mind, and quizzing me through past times

recollecting on what didn't happen

on what she wishes had.

To her it did.







I'm keeping the poem short today. Today I had a fight with someone i considered my best friend of 15 years. I don't know now...

We got into an argument today while texting. She told me she planned on getting another tattoo, and I called myself laughing it off, and saying "lol, why you need another one. Didn't you just get one?" (or something like it, this is how I meant it, lightly). She took offence to it, and jumped on the defense for no reason asking me why? and I responded jokingly saying something like, "You know what they say, they can be addicting!", and I believe followed with an LOL, or the lol was before that. Anyway, she then asked why would I question her motives like its bad or something. I'm not sure were she got all this from. I think she was reading this through tinted shades, which brings me to my next point. At that point of the texting, I was in the dentist office, afterward, i went to the post office. After I was leaving the post office, things got heated, and she started getting heated it seemed, sending me long texts about it, etc. I didn't really think anything of it, and was just like "I didn't mean for it to offend you and i didn't mean it like that. But whatever." Then she asked "then what did you mean" still edging it on further. Now I'm thinkin "why is she getting so heated about this? What is really going on?"

So I responded with "I meant what I said, but not necessarily in the way you took it. Guess you'd have to hear it in context (paraphrased; i'll paste the actual conversation in a second.)" and "I think your reading too much emotion into the text." Then she was real mad and told me that that I was "staring at her boyfriend" on her birthday, basically trying to steal him from her. I was like WOA then. She blew this waaaay out of proportion. I kind of laughed at her abruptness with that text, as it was way out of left field and she seemed to be gettting hyped over nothing...well, really something as simple as asking, "why did you want another tattoo?" She clearly had some deep seeded issues that I knew nothing about...

at this point i'm thinking first, What? That's obserd! and them i'm laughing at her attempt to take a stab at me about something as crazy as that.

The whole time i'm thinkin, it's nothing. She'll get over it. Let me just stop talkin to her.

But she kept escalating it further, saying she knew I was trying to get at him an all this.

Then I remembered how insecure she was about having close female friends, and getting to close to females, and it all made since. Walking up to my apartment at this point i'm laughing and thinking Okaaaay. LOL.

Number 1, Her and Mike must have got in a fight or somethin', and she's taking it out on me. or

Number 2, she's really desperately worried about loosing him, or him cheating on her?

I'm not really sure what to think really, because she never really tells me how she is really feeling. It's always been this expectation that I should "magically" know what's really going on, but the truth is, I never do. It's always a guessing game, and then sometimes there's never really a closure, just an ending to a matter. Apparently she harbors things in her that she can't talk about with anyone, or at least not me. I'm sure she tells Mike as she's always seemed to trust guys she's barely met and known for only a few months over a lifelong friend and family. Understandable (sarcasm).

She's always put this trust in guys immediately after meeting them and having a small connection with them, telling them deep dark secrets and sharing her life like they will never ever hurt her, but sadly all of them have, except Mike...At least so far. And actually I don't think he would intentinally.

It's always been this emotional rollercoaster with her, and i've put up with the ups and downs. Trying to be a supportive friend.

It's seemed she's been badly burned by other females in the past, and a lot between her and guys. If I have (burned her) I wouldn't even know, because she'd never tell me.

I never considered myself a threat to her and her relationships with guys.

I've always stayed away from that, until now that she's lashed it upon me.



I've always considered guys in relationships off limits. Instead of thinking *lightbulb*: hey, OPPORTUNITY!, I think BUMMER, and move on. Even guys i've known before they entered relationships and they did, I treat the same way. After the relational point, I distance myself from them out of respect for the girlfriend, who is a lot of times my friend too. Prime example: Vic and TC, Fred and Phylicia. I leave em alone. I tried hanging with them when they all got in relationships, but it got annoying because I had no one and it made me feel lonely everytime I was around them, so I quit hangin out with them. Doesn't mean I don't love or like them all, I just can't hang out with them the same as before. Same with my best friend and her man.

First off, I have no interest in the man she's dating. She ought to know by now my "type" and he is DEFINATELY NOT THE ONE. and I am in NO WAY ATTRACTED to him. Never was.

I was actually repulsed after reading the text. (lol, i can laugh now.) Sorry. Not that her man isn't attractive, but I just think he's just her type. Don't know of that came out right? lol. no, they aren't ugly. He ain't ugly, just not for me. they are good for each other.

Secondly, I'm surprised because not only have I not been in a relationship in like almost 5 years now, but I am not a flirt. And i battle everyday with patience and waiting for the one. I'm waiting for my man, I'm not going after him, although I would like to sometimes because i'm tired of waiting. But with that said, I'm definately not going after anyone, especially a man in relationship with a girl he deeply loves. I would never destroy the very thing i wish for myself someday.

When people find it, I choose to be happy for them. Even though I have every reason in the book to be jealous, bitter and frustrated. I am frustrated at times that i've been waiting so long and i'm still single while others jump from relationship to another, or have someone who loves them, or are engaged to be married, and I'm just left single. But i choose to rejoice with them as one day I hope they will with me. I feel like i've been patient, prudent, following God to my best abilities (still working on this, and always will), and praying a lot only to get nothing. But I keep hoping.



All I have is God's word, and I believe him when he says he will come. Just sometimes I get a little down about it, and I feel like there's something I must do, change, or work on because no guys find me intersting enough. I hate being this down on myself. I like feeling attractive, but most times I don't. Truth is, I beat myself up over the fact that I can't flirt like other girls, attract only jerks, never good guys (I'm still tryin to figure out why only guys who drink alcohol on the regular and party all the time, don't care about school, and are unambitious keep trying to get at me. THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what I'm praying for in my husband. Why am I getting these dudes? I don't know, but I don't like it. And I say no to it everday. A lot of times i work with them, and they try and flirt with me. I flirt back sometimes, (or try to; i'm really bad at it. Sometimes they just look at me like 'what?' but then just smile and laugh it off. i suck at it. bad.))

Anyway, I feel like if you'd have someone to be worried about, it wouldn't be me because i'm not that confident chick that guys like and want to be with. I'm just so far off the radar screen of attraction for black guys especially (the ones my age). I'm just not their type. I'd like to marry a black man, but if I don't I don't care. It really doesn't matter to me, just as long as he has those qualities I pray for...



She told me that her man, that I believe she will mary inadvertently and unconvetionally had the qualities she had prayed for. At least now he found her. Why would I want to ruin something like that for my best friend after knowing all the hell she's been through with those other dudes, or jerks? I am truly happy for her. Unfortunately she doesn't think the same.

She thinks I would be coniving enough to try and "steal" him from her, and the worst part about it is that this has been going on for a long while behind my back, and i didn't even know. I thought she knew me better than this.

For her to accuse me of something like that makes me think she doesn't even know me at all.

At all.

Everything's always got to be about her and how she feels at the moment. Where she is on the rollercoaster, including on my birthday when we were forced to leave the fair early because she "just wanted to go home" and would really tell me why. Something was bothering her, and apperantly she couldn't tell me what it was. I found out the next day or so. But it was stupid. why couldn't she tell me that night so I knew what was going on, and that you weren't trying to ruin the fun on my birthday. I wasted my time and emotions worrying about her, and didn't even go to the afterparty like me and my other friend had wanted to originally. Fortunately, despite her selfishness and attitude (like you couldn't put it aside for a few hours? once i found out what was bothering her, what she did seemed like such an overreaction, but that's just my oppinion. It's for her decide not me. But i bet it was on top of another deep seeded issue...I'm just saying in light of things today...) me and my other friend still had fun.



This right here, what happened today, let's me know who's priority in her life. She said her boyfriend called me "foul" because I had "stared at him." I'm not sure if she accused him of something, and he was defending himself or what, but he said (according to her) "your friend is foul" because he thinks I was trying to get at him. How conceited is that! I'm not even attracted to him. Why would he say such a thing when he doesn't even know me?

And the saddest part about this who fiasco is that she believed him!! over me. Like always.

The man's word is supreme. The man can be trusted. Females are evil, backstabbing, caddy,ect...always? I think not. She ought to know me better than that. I'm not like those other females. I'm me!



It's funny because I belived God gave me the ministry he did (to care about women) because of things like this. To let them know that not all females aren't trustworthy, and that we really can be for each other and encouraging one another and not tearing each other down.



i knew of this insecurity she had, like many others (hey, I have some to), so I always tried to be extra sensitive to it. I would try so hard to not offend her with what i say, and avoid a situation like this by watching what i do...but the matter is, she's going to see what she wants to see no matter what i do. She wants to believe all females act caddy and try to steal each other's men.
Now this false accusal of me will be her prime example for her justification of believing this about all women: her best friend tried to still the one man she wanted to marry.
Not true.

I’ve only believed the best for her, and have tried to be the one to show her that not all females are evil, and some can in fact be trusted.
I can be trusted.
She’s claiming not only her boyfriend saw me “staring at him” but she did, and even her mom?
So I’m like, ok, when were you all going to tell me this? Not everyone has bad intentions. I don’t even remember staring at him. But I can tell you that if I did, it was non-intentional, and I am definitely not into him.
With her bringing up others into this, it made me question how many others may think this about me. I’m going to ask my roommate tomorrow if she’s ever felt “threatened” by me, or thought that I tried to steal Fred away from her. I haven’t. That man is clearly in love with her. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. And I definitely don’t want to, I want someone better for me--the one God has saved up for me. Period.

This really hurt because it was kept from me for so long, and also my best friend questioned my character in this when she should know me better. So this has me thinking, how many others think the same about me? I don’t want to be this person she’s made me out to be. And even if I did stare at him, I’m telling you, it wasn’t on purpose. I don’t have no purpose for that. This is really disappointing. I felt betrayed and started crying that someone would think such evil things about me when all I’ve tried to do is disprove that horrible stereo type of females. Then, I started blaming myself and thinking, well, if I had been in a relationship, this wouldn’t have happened and I’d have a real defense.
But I don’t. My only defense if the truth, and my heart. That’s all. I’ve prayed about this a little, too, and decided that I need to forgive her after I get over the initial shock.