Halloween!!

Things have been kind of "off" lately. Tonight is Halloween...(sigh). Yeah, i'm supposed to be going out a lil bit later...

Today I finally had a dentist appointment that should be putting my in the right direction towards by treatments. I have been agonizing over it for the past three months. I'm just ready to continue and start getting my teeth straight, you know.
But yeah, i was sitting in the dentist office today about ready to cry. I had finally got the insurance company to switch me dentist providers cuz them people in west Plano were nothing but a hastle and a headache, and i just couldn't deal with it anymore!!! So finally, I got the office in Denton, about 5 mins away from me. At least if their dentist ever cancels on me because they have to pick up the daughter from school i won't be 30 minutes away and have to turn back. Yeah, this literally happened to me before...i was NOT happy! = I
....but anyway, its taken care of now so yeah, I'm on my way, thank the Lord! I'm also thankful for the church family we has brought me to: Lifeline. I hope i can become more involved there.
He has also been taking care of me financially as well, and all i can be is thankful. Just thankful--because He has taken care of me. This is nothing i have done by any means! trust me.
And he reminded me on Sunday that i should be using the access he's given me to share with others and to build and edify the body (the body of Christ, other believers) and not just keep it all to myself. So i decided to share, and this made me happy because all i want to do is edify thet body and please the God i serve. I know i'm not the best person i could be at times...I could definately do better at being more "intentional" with others (believers and non), imitating Christ who lives on the inside of me.
Today i was still sitting in the Dentist though, i was about to cry. Although a lot of things seem to be going well right now, there is still one thing that continues to bother me. Will i ever be in a relationship? and How much longer must i wait?? This thought haunts me daily. It makes me sad because I feel like deserve to be in a relationship. Not that i'm this "perfect person" or anything like that...I just feel like i'm too nice, caring, and loving to be alone right now. Maybe that does sound a little arrogant...ok, it does. I apologize. I'm just so tired of being single now. As i was layin on my back in the cold green chair gazing into the opaque lamp above me (in the dentist office) I started to worry because I haven't been in a relationship so long that i almost fear what i would be like...
am i even good enough? will i be able to keep him? am i really worth all the trouble that i may cause him? on the flip side--will he really be worth all the trouble he may cause me?

thinking...

I think about you and
I dream about you
All the time.
You are always on my mind and
I pray for you daily.
One day I will know you are and
Maybe...
maybe we can reflect back on these days apart and
realize...

realize that we were made for each other from the start.

Life change

Every time I go to the reach site (http://www.reachrecords.com/), I gain a new perspective.

Today I watched this video of Lecrae Moore in Zambia talking to a group of young students about Paul & Timothy and discipleship. He related the lesson so well to real life. Sometimes that's all i need, just a real-life application, you know? And I think it helps other people understand as well. It's just real.

Lately I've been trying to apply what I've learned about Christ and thinking about others and sharing the gospel with them. I've been trying to adopt a new attitude and apply the things I'm reading in the Bible. The main story I've been reading lately is about the Samaritan woman at the well. I keep reading it over and over again, just trying to soak in the message until it begins to seep into my everyday life...if that make sense?! lol i dunno, i just be letting my thoughts flow like rain heading downstream

I'm just tired of being so selfish. I hate to think of myself as a "selfish" person, because I thought i was others-minded. But today I had another wake-up call. When i took an honest look at my life, and what I spend most of my time doing, it's "doin me." What have i done for others lately? Am i really trying to live for Christ the way i say I do? Yeah, yeah, i am a little busy with school classes and work, but for what? maybe then i am a little too busy...

I want to make God number one in my life, not me. It seems I'm trying to have a relationship with him, trying to learn and apply these things i am reading in the Bible, but struggling so much. Even when i pray to him it's to ask him to "help me get through the day" or for my hubby, or for grace...sometimes i pray for others, but briefly, and that is SO SAD. Something has got to change if I'm serious about serving the Lord and "preaching" the Gospel to others through the way i live, and if necessary use words to explain my actions.


Listening to this Christian radio station right now (I'm not going to say which one because I'm not a fan of bad PR, but) the preaching even is so selfish, about bettering oneself...for what?
what meaning is this? I guess you could be a better person. I mean it sounds good , living up to your potential, not letting others hold you back, and God helping you get there (to the promised land), but why is God trying to take me to the promised land all by myself? why would he try to elevate me? where are others in this picture? ---OMG, i'm sorry to interrupt, but this pastor is using TI as an example? TI's arrogant attitude in "big things poppin"...pastor sayin: "That's what it's all about, "big things poppin'"...he's saying it in relation to God being a big God and not wanting us to settle for second...like i said, listening it sounds ok, but where are others in this picture? Based on the relationship I with God, he loves. When i read the Bible, i see him reaching out to all different kinds of people, even the "Samaritans", he revealed this too me last week. He desires relationship with all people, and loves all people. He lived his life purposefully to bring 'man'-figuratively speaking (this includes women too)--back to the Father in relationship with him as he intended in the beginning.
The more I read the book of John, the more i realize how ALL THINGS in the Bible boil down to this main thing: relationship. God's love for his people, the Israelites his precious people, extended to all men on the face of the earth. He loves ALL. The main thing I've seen Jesus doing reading the book of John so far is reaching out to others, and fulfilling his purpose: everything he did fulfilled the law of the prophets, and on top of it, illustrated God's plan...it's just so much! I HIGHLY encourage studying, i mean really studying the book of John, and you might want to bust out some commentary, actually i highly recommend that, too. It will help put things in context.

I kind of went on a tangent there, but I get so excited about what God has done. I just want other people to know, too. And I want to live my life in illustration and part of God's plan. That is all i want in life ultimately. The more and more time i spend busy, and running around with a chicken with my head cut off, the more i realize that this is not the life i want my entire life, this is only for a season, but ultimately i want to live for Christ. Life like Christ. Live Christ-like, imitating my Father who I have reconciled with through him.

street corner

Today on the street corner after lunch talking to some friends outside, catching up on the latest gossip (talk) I found out that a few of my other friends started going out together. It was only a matter of time. Two of the people, one couple, I know would be great for each other. It was only a matter of time, like I said, and i'm really happy for them. You know, I really hope things work out between them, if that's what God planned. Well, now the other couple kind of shocked me, but at the same time it didn't. I didn't shock me in light of the fact that these two spend a lot of time together and see each other mulitple times in the week on a regular basis. However, it I did shock me in the sense that them two would be a couple?? I didn't know whether to be happy, or just sorry. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but i just couldn't see them together. If they're not right for one another, hopefully they find out early on the relationship.

It seems like everyone has been hooking up together lately. Unlikely people I would never pair together, even people I know who aren't yet in the relationship, but may be on the verge of one because they have an admiror that they kind of like too, but they haven't savored passed "the friendship stage" yet, you know? But anyway, as hard as I try not to measure myself against the odds, i stepped on the scale of doom yet another time today. (sigh). Still alone. I get attention sometimes, yeah, but that doesn't substitute being in an actual relationship with someone who really cares about you and looks out for your best interesest. Someone who really understands you and offers themself to you, and their presence brings you sheer comfort. I try so hard to be strong. I understand by now that i am to wait. I did so well last week...but now, well, now I just got to dig my heels in the dirt, suck it up, and play this game called love that I continue to loose in.

I see so many people that I think could be him. Sometimes I fear that my expectations are to high, and i'm setting myself up for disappointment. I hope to God I won't be disappointed. All I can do is hope. All I have left is hope. All I can do is have faith, and keep the faith. And the Word says faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see.
Thought I cannot see him now, he's there. But i feel like i need him to come here, right now. Soon. Please.

Soon.

slow

sluggish.
plain.
lame.
or rather just plain slow!
Here we go again with me backtracking.
I stand along the tracks by the train passing me by,
stuck without direction.
Or rather stuck trying to go all directions.
New paths lead me behind in the race, old paths see me as old news
earased.
Same ol, Same ol', Same ol' place
can't imagine this girl as one who people will
see and recognize her face.
Can't imagine her being in that place
of influence.
An influencial race...

(to be continued)

Today this is kind of how I felT. After you read it, you probably had no idea what this meant, but that's ok, because I didn't write it expecting you to get it.